15 years ago

It was 15 years ago tonight, at about this time, when my ex's mother died.

My ex and I had broken up 4 months prior, but we were still in touch. I'd just gotten home from work and was getting ready to get something to eat when the phone rang. It was the ex. She was calling from her sister's house, where her mom had been moved when the hospital realized there was nothing more they could do for her. I could tell she was upset, so I asked if she wanted me to come up to her sister's place. She said she would, so I went.

Her mom had battled breast cancer five years earlier. We thought that it had been completely eliminated and that she would go on to live a long healthy life. Unfortunatetly, she started feeling a little under the weather, and repeated doctor visits came back with nothing more than, "you've got a cold" or some other dismissive comment. Eventually, she became progressively more ill to the point where the doctors took her seriously and gave her a thorough check up. The cancer had metastasized, and she was considered terminal. Over the course of a year, each time I saw her, it was obvious she was wasting away, but I remained in complete denial that she might actually die. I'm not sure what I expected to happen, but death seemed an impossibility.

So, here it was December 1, 1993, and I was driving up to my ex's sister's house. On the drive up, I thought that my ex might be overreacting, and that after a while I'd manage to excuse myself and go home. When I arrived, I found that all the family members had gathered and were visiting upstairs in the living room. While I can't say that everyone seemed happy, there wasn't a pervading sense of gloom in the place that I would have expected had her mother's death been imminent. So, like everyone else, I stayed upstairs and visited.

After about 1/2 hour or so of my arrival, a nurse came up from downstairs and said that the mother was close to passing and if we wanted to say our last goodbyes, now was the time. We filed downstairs and gathered around the bed where the mother lay. Her eyes were open and unblinking. There was absolutely no indication that she could hear us, and she certainly was unable to communicate with those in the room. Each of the four girls and their husbands/partners had gathered around the bed and took turns talking to their mother, telling her what a great mom she'd been, etc.

I couldn't deal with it and left the room and hadn't been out of the room but a few minutes, when the entire family came out of the room. It was over.

Maybe the girls had had a chance to prepare for the reality that was going to happen, but I'd been somewhat out of the loop once my ex and I had broken up. I never did come to any conclusion that she was going to die, even though the evidence was plain to see.

I'd never really be close to anyone who'd died before, so it hit me pretty hard. I walked upstairs to join the rest of the family and there on the walls were numerous pictures of the woman who had just died. Devastating.

The finality of death, is something that I've still never been able to grasp. Each time I go to a funeral or memorial service, the pictures of the deceased are the things I most struggle with. How can they be dead when I'm looking at all these pictures of them? I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's how I feel when I see them.

It's hard to believe 15 years have passed since that night. Unfortunately, there will be other nights like it in my future.